E.T. in lingerie, or: things that cannot be unseen

This might be the first post on my 16-day-old blog that truly fits the Next Door To Normal title. This is some weirdness right here.

We have the interior and exterior of our house sprayed for bugs every few months year-round because I will freak the hell out and cause bodily harm to myself and others at the sight of an insect. So the bug guy came this week and I cringed when I opened the door to invite him in.

I cringed because I’m SURE he remembers what he saw in my bedroom about six years ago.

Six years ago, Lee was having trouble thinking of a Christmas/Hanukkah present to get me and somehow he landed on a life-size plush version of the E.T. creature. Yes, E.T. as in Extra Terrestrial … as in the 1982 movie by Stephen Spielberg … as in the delicious peanut-buttery Reese’s Pieces.

It was a kinda silly, fun gift playing off the fact that I was a fan of E.T. as a kid and, honestly, I’m sure Lee was walking the aisles at the store trying to figure out something to get me and this stood out.

Like the character in the movie, this version is freaky looking. You squeeze a pad on its hand and it says different things like “ouch,” “phone home,” “E.T. loves you.” Oh, and it belches.

So I wasn’t quite sure what to do with this thing. Where do you put a life-size E.T. doll? I had it in the spare bedroom and I guess Lee thought that wasn’t giving E.T. enough visibility so one night I found E.T. in our bed. Tucked under the cover as if it were sleeping in our bed. When I pulled the cover down, I saw that E.T. was dressed in lingerie.

“You are a FREAK,” I yelled down the hall to where Lee was watching TV.

I was ready for bed so I just sat E.T. off to the side, climbed in and went to sleep.

The next day, I went to work. When I came home that night, I saw a receipt on the table that the bug guy had been there. I ran to the bedroom and sitting in the middle of our bed was E.T. with lingerie on.

Lee had thought clearly enough to get E.T. up off the floor so the bug guy could hit all the baseboards, but nah, he didn’t think to REMOVE the lingerie and put E.T. somewhere OTHER than our bed!

My face was on fire and I was thinking, “OMG, the bug guy saw this. He must think we are total freaks!”

I vowed that day to never be home when the bug guy came to the house.

Typically Lee does handle this appointment but this week it was scheduled at a time when only I was home, and so I had to relive the humiliation. Of course, he never says anything but I’m certain he remembers E.T. in lingerie. Some things cannot be unseen.

Now are you ready for the really weird part of this story? E.T. is STILL in our bedroom. It’s become a fixture, right there on the floor next to the nightstand. I move it to another room when we have company, or when the bug guy comes! But Lee always moves it back into our room later.

I’ll let you and my therapist figure that one out.